Well, I just got into my first disagreement with Jannat (the caretaker) and Didi. They told me that I shouldn't go to Mussoorie ever or to the bazar at nighttime. I told them that I am American, but they still told me that I shouldn't do it.
I've already been pushed pretty far with the limitations on my independence here. So I realized that I didn't have the energy or the Hindi to explain to them that I used to live in West Philly and that when I was in Jaipur, I did actually deal with sketchy guys. I do not have to deal with those kind of creeps here. As for shopping at night. I went once to the bazar and came back at 9:00 PM. I took a rickshaw to make sure that I didn't walk anywhere dark alone. I only walked alone in the busy bazar--and I did see women there at night. Lots of women. As for Mussoorie, I went there this weekend for a friend's birthday. I stayed with friends and I was normally in the company of friends.
I know that all this seems very scary to many Indians. But it is much safer than I lives that I lived in West Philadelphia, and Jaipur for that matter.
So, I did the only thing that I thought they could understand. I said "no" and I walked away. It wasn't a culturally sensitive thing to do and it may have fractured the relationships that I have with them. But at the same time, I feel like I have to maintain the fact that I am an outsider here. If I become like a the Indian woman that they expect me to be, then I loose the independence that I wanted to exert through coming here. I made a conscience choice to not stay at my job at the University of Pennsylvania or to look for a new job at Michigan. I made a choice to explore and to push myself. I won't sacrifice the comforts of my home and my loved ones, so that I can stay in a bungalow in Dehradun and never go anywhere.
I know that Jannat and Didi don't actually have any power over my actions. I know that the better thing would have been to just nod my head and then keep going anyways. But I am not part of this world. I have my own ideals and ways of living my life, which I get tired of defending. I also fully understand that they are trying to look out for me and trying to be my family here. They however, don't even speak the same language that I do. So, how can they possibly understand how much I have had to be independent in America?
Most women of Didi's socio-economic background either work all day or stay in the home all day. They do not go out just to walk around the bazar and they do not just go to another town to visit friends. I hoped that they would see that as a student, I have a different background and different attitudes. But to them the dangers of being a woman are much more real here than they are to me.
I am beginning to wish that I had stayed in Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore or another major city. While it would have been more chaotic, I would have more independence than what I have here. I feel like my every move is being watched. I am pretty much the only person who thinks and feels the way that I do in this community, which I wouldn't be if I were in an urban center.
Finally, and most importantly, I get tired of the cultural double-standard. I know that I am a guest in India , and I generally try to be very culturally sensitive. But I do not feel like people make any effort to actually understand who I am as an American. I suppose that a lot of immigrants and visitors to America feel this way as well. And it sucks. It is tough feeling like you give up a lot of how you were raised and it still isn't enough.
I don't feel great about the way that I handled the situation. But I am tired out and feeling cagey just by being back in Dehradun. It was so nice to be able to go out with friends in Mussoorie. I hope that I haven't completely damaged the relationships that I built up with Jannat and Didi. But I'm also glad that I didn't lie to them about who I am. I do want them to like me, but I want them to like me for who I am rather than who I am pretending to be while I am here.
I've already been pushed pretty far with the limitations on my independence here. So I realized that I didn't have the energy or the Hindi to explain to them that I used to live in West Philly and that when I was in Jaipur, I did actually deal with sketchy guys. I do not have to deal with those kind of creeps here. As for shopping at night. I went once to the bazar and came back at 9:00 PM. I took a rickshaw to make sure that I didn't walk anywhere dark alone. I only walked alone in the busy bazar--and I did see women there at night. Lots of women. As for Mussoorie, I went there this weekend for a friend's birthday. I stayed with friends and I was normally in the company of friends.
I know that all this seems very scary to many Indians. But it is much safer than I lives that I lived in West Philadelphia, and Jaipur for that matter.
So, I did the only thing that I thought they could understand. I said "no" and I walked away. It wasn't a culturally sensitive thing to do and it may have fractured the relationships that I have with them. But at the same time, I feel like I have to maintain the fact that I am an outsider here. If I become like a the Indian woman that they expect me to be, then I loose the independence that I wanted to exert through coming here. I made a conscience choice to not stay at my job at the University of Pennsylvania or to look for a new job at Michigan. I made a choice to explore and to push myself. I won't sacrifice the comforts of my home and my loved ones, so that I can stay in a bungalow in Dehradun and never go anywhere.
I know that Jannat and Didi don't actually have any power over my actions. I know that the better thing would have been to just nod my head and then keep going anyways. But I am not part of this world. I have my own ideals and ways of living my life, which I get tired of defending. I also fully understand that they are trying to look out for me and trying to be my family here. They however, don't even speak the same language that I do. So, how can they possibly understand how much I have had to be independent in America?
Most women of Didi's socio-economic background either work all day or stay in the home all day. They do not go out just to walk around the bazar and they do not just go to another town to visit friends. I hoped that they would see that as a student, I have a different background and different attitudes. But to them the dangers of being a woman are much more real here than they are to me.
I am beginning to wish that I had stayed in Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore or another major city. While it would have been more chaotic, I would have more independence than what I have here. I feel like my every move is being watched. I am pretty much the only person who thinks and feels the way that I do in this community, which I wouldn't be if I were in an urban center.
Finally, and most importantly, I get tired of the cultural double-standard. I know that I am a guest in India , and I generally try to be very culturally sensitive. But I do not feel like people make any effort to actually understand who I am as an American. I suppose that a lot of immigrants and visitors to America feel this way as well. And it sucks. It is tough feeling like you give up a lot of how you were raised and it still isn't enough.
I don't feel great about the way that I handled the situation. But I am tired out and feeling cagey just by being back in Dehradun. It was so nice to be able to go out with friends in Mussoorie. I hope that I haven't completely damaged the relationships that I built up with Jannat and Didi. But I'm also glad that I didn't lie to them about who I am. I do want them to like me, but I want them to like me for who I am rather than who I am pretending to be while I am here.
Hey lady - stay strong. I probably would have done the same thing in that situation. You're very independent and know how to handle yourself, so just be careful and hopefully they will see that you have a different way of living your life, which involves not sitting cooped up at home all day. Glad you got to go out and have fun with friends recently! XOXO
ReplyDeleteI can't blame you for losing your patience. You are dealing with so many demands. If they seem out of sorts about it, I'm sure you can find a way to smooth things over. It is in their interest to be on good terms with you too. Their ability to imagine a different way of living must be greatly limited. So it's no wonder they can't see your point of view. It is hard to not be seen. Just be your own sweet, independent self, and I'm sure it will work out.
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