With Jetlag Comes Reflection

          I’ve been back in India since the evening of the 13^th. Unsurprisingly, less than four days back in India and I’m already contemplating the state of things pretty heavily. Also unsurprisingly, jetlag doesn’t really go away with a 9 ½ hour time difference for a week. Gar! But with exhaustion, comes a lot of time lying in bed and thinking about what I’m doing here and what exactly it is that I want to accomplish.

            Upon coming back to India, there are many things that I’m happy with and others that I feel are unsettling. For one, I have numerous friends both American and Indian, which is a huge improvement over my previous entry into India. Additionally, I have a better sense of how to navigate Dehradun, which gives me more independence and self-confidence. I have decent access to internet and a phone, which keeps me connected to my loved ones in the United States. I’m not longer sobbing over a disconnected SIM card, which is keeping me from calling my Mom when I’m feeling sick. 

            Reentry also highlights my initial idealism and concepts. It shows me how wrong I was about some of my assumptions. For one, I thought it would be easy to relearn Hindi. I was not only incorrect, but I’ve forgotten a good deal of my Hindi due to my month in America. Hopefully, I’ll get it back. I also thought that differences in caste and socio-economic status wouldn’t affect my social life. But it has. As a white, educated, American it is difficult for me to establish friendships with people who are not the Indian equivalent of myself. Good examples are Jannat and Didi. Originally, I really wanted to befriend them. But living so close to them, they could see how my life was unlike anything that they had previously seen. Without any idea of how American women behave, they thought I was acting dangerously and tried to change my behavior. My friends who are getting their PhD in the Wildlife Institute understand my background and my opinions. While they might not always agree with me, they have a context in which to establish a debate with me. The difference between scolding and debating can be all the difference in friendship; at least when there are only a few months to get to know each other.

            Other assumptions that I made include thinking that loneliness would be the end of me. I pictured myself having a nervous breakdown and getting on a plane back to America. Adjusting to the downtime and the time alone is challenging. I am going through a mini-version of this right now; fortunately, it is nothing compared to my original entry into India. But even though I miss my family and friends, I do appreciate that this is the first time in my life where I have almost complete mental and emotional space. I am befriending other students at the Wildlife Institute, and they are amazing. But they aren’t going to make an imprint on my day-to-day thoughts and actions the way that my close friends do in America. It is the perfect time for reflection.

            Of course, when reflecting it is difficult not to become melancholy. I had issues with this before I went back to America. After interviewing at 9 schools, I found out that I got into three so far. It is a huge relief that I will be in medical school next year, and what’s more that I will be happy where I end up going. It gives me a much more relaxed view of my life here. I fully know that next year will be one of the hardest years of my life. So, it becomes much easier to relax about my time here. While I do want to perform good research, I also don’t want to loose sight of the fact that I will be working for the rest of my life. I will be going back to Delhi for Christmas and then my friends from America will be coming in the evening of the 26^th. I’m looking forward to having a lot of fun before I venture back up into the mountains and continue my research.